...But Her Ass was Old (Hilton Head pt2), by Russ

Yeah, we'll get back to that in a moment.

One of the great joys of vacationing, not like I'm telling you guys (and gals) anything you don't already know, is you get to do things you wouldn't ordinarily do. Or as one of my coworkers back in the day used to say, you can hang your freak flag. Well, my flag ain't that freaky. Now other people's flags, well, that is a horse of a different color. Which leads me to my second great joy of vacationing, people watching.

(These "great joys" aren't in any particular order, I would put eating as my first great joy, vacationing or not.)

People watching at the beach can be a treat. Or not. It all depends on your taste and how freaky your fellow vacationer's (and your) flags are. Since I enjoy watching people, the relative freakishness of the flags didn't unnerve me too badly. In most cases.

I don't know if I have a true measuring scale by which I rate my fellow vacationers. Certainly I have several groupings I put them into. Example, Innocuous: wearing something appropriate for their spot in life and or body type (these aren't much fun and where I put the Wife and myself) to Dear God, What are they thinking!?: wearing swimwear totally inappropriate for their body. Then there are the ones in between. This is the most populated group, usually inhabited by folks who haven't updated their swimwear even though their body has changed.

While the Wife and I were thumbing our noses at skin cancer, we noticed a group of young ladies next to us. It wasn't terribly difficult to notice them, they weren't very quiet. Most of them fell into the innocuous grouping. The last, bless her heart (as we say down south), was overly self confident.

She wasn't as wide as she was tall, but she was certainly (as the Germans might say) zaftig. She was wearing, wait for it, a string bikini. To her credit, she was strutting around like she owned it. I just wish that she wasn't.

The Wife had a few moments of jealousy, envy, bitchiness, at a couple of ladies on the beach. Fuck You moments I called them. You have seen these Moms, they have pumped out two or more kids and are back into their pre-pregnancy clothes and have their abs back (hell, I still don't have those). Basically, if they said that the kids belongs to their siblings, you would believe them (except the kids scream,"Mommy!" and go running to the "Fuck You Mommies").

Unfortunately, the worst was yet to come. We had just finished lunch and were in the car pointing ourselves back to the hotel. I noticed movement off to my left, and there were a husband and wife tandem walking toward the parking lot. No biggie.

Well, they turned the corner and started walking towards the restaurant. I noticed that she was wearing an inappropriately small skirt (for both her age and body). She dropped something. Then she bent over to pick it up.

Did she bend from the knees to pick this item up? Noooo! No, she had to bend from the waist to pick the item up. All I can say is thank God she wasn't wearing a thong. If she was, I doubt I would have been able to keep my fried oysters down.

The Wife's response, "I don't know how old her face is, but her ass is old!"